The art of saying no: how boundaries can fuel your relationships

If I have learned anything from my university experience, it is that saying “no” is an art form. “No, I can’t take that on right now,” “Maybe next week,” “Check back again later, but right now, I just can’t do this.” A year ago, I would have probably thought that saying this was rude, especially to friends or family. Now, after four years of slow burnout, I realize just how much saying no – and setting boundaries – actively fuels the relationships in my life. But, why does this still feel so hard to do?

First, what are boundaries?

Boundaries are expectations that are communicated to others that represent what makes people feel safe and cared for in relationships2. Boundaries can stem from all aspects of a person’s life and they can range from seemingly small things, like communicating a preference, to larger things, such as removing oneself from a person’s life.

An influential voice in the field of self-help, particularly when it comes to boundaries, is Nedra Glover Tawwab. In her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” she lays down the foundation for anyone to learn about and practice boundary setting. Tawwab identifies six key types of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material and time2. Below are examples of situations where boundaries could be enacted from each of these six categories.

Physical: your roommate walks into your room without knocking.

Sexual: you’re out with a group of friends after finals when one of them makes a comment about your figure and how well your clothes look on you. You don’t know this person very well.

Intellectual: at family events, your parents tease you about your opinions around extended family.

Emotional: someone you met at a fitness class last week shares an inappropriate amount about their personal life with you.

Material: in class, someone asks to borrow a pencil, but at the end of class, they do not return it. The next week, they ask for a pencil again.

Time: while you are volunteering at a new organization, they ask you to stay three hours after the agreed upon time you would be available.

Recognizing where to set boundaries is the first step in creating a boundary-setting habit. But why are they important in the first place?

Why boundaries are important

As activist and author Prentis Hemphill said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously1.” While it may be easy to assume that boundaries distance us from others, oftentimes, it does the opposite. Boundaries communicate what we need in order to feel loved the most, and this applies to friends, family, coworkers, even to professors and classmates. Without boundaries, people may start feeling negatively toward those around them, especially in relationships where boundaries are harder to set. 

Some signs, according to Tawwab, that you may need (more) boundaries in your life include2:

• You feel overwhelmed
• You feel resentment toward people asking for your help
• You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something
• You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return
• You feel burned out
• You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing
• You have no time for yourself

When we see these signs start to creep into our lives, this is the best time to be curious about how our responsibilities, tasks, or roles are affecting us. One way to respond to these signs is setting and enforcing our boundaries.

How to set and enforce boundaries

There are two main steps when setting a boundary: communication and action2. Communication describes setting the actual boundary, whereas action is the steps someone takes to uphold the need you communicated. If we look at the situations from each of the six categories listed above, boundary communication and action might look like this:

Physical: “I feel like my privacy is violated when you come into my room without knocking. I would appreciate it if you knocked or messaged me before coming in.” If the behavior continues, lock the door to your room, communicating your established need.

Sexual: “Comments about my appearance like that make me uncomfortable.” If the comments continue, report to a friend in the group that this person makes you feel uncomfortable, or decide to not go out with friends if that person will be there.

Intellectual: “I feel as though my beliefs are not valued when you tease me about them.” If the teasing continues, choose to share beliefs and opinions with family members that will honor them.

Emotional: “This seems really hard. I’m not able to take this on, but I have resources that I can recommend.” If the oversharing continues, firmly redirect the conversation to something you are comfortable talking about.

Material: “I can loan you a pencil, but I will need it before the class lets out.” If the behavior continues, don’t loan out the pencil.

Time: “I can only volunteer for the amount of time I agreed upon.” If the questions continue, leave exactly when your volunteer shift is over, or move to a different volunteer organization.

While incorporating the language around boundary setting may feel awkward, it can feel great to prioritize your own time and energy. Setting boundaries, regularly, can be trading temporary discomfort for long-term comfort. So whether you are setting boundaries with family, friends, or peers, remember that it is benefiting everyone involved.

Boundary violations

Sometimes when boundaries are set, others ignore them, try to bypass them or violate them3. Boundary violations present in a lot of ways, big and small. Understanding how these violations can impact us and how we should respond is incredibly important.

When people violate boundaries in small ways, these are often overlooked. It may not emotionally affect us in the same way that larger ones do. An example of a smaller violation could be your coworker making a comment in a rude tone when you were just trying to help them with a task (emotional).

Larger violations are often behaviors that come for the foundation of a relationship. These violations are typically consistent within a relationship, making those within the relationship resentful, co-dependent, burned out or even manipulated2. An example of a larger violation could be that your partner doesn’t like it when you go out with your friends. Even though you have discussed this with your partner and let them know that this makes you feel uncomfortable, they continue to ask you to skip outings with friends and guilt you into spending more time with them.

When we are feeling disrespected, unsafe or manipulated in a relationship, sometimes setting a boundary isn't enough to change the relationship or how the person acts towards you. This could be a time to consider ending the relationship3. This can be hard, as sometimes we are close with people who violate our boundaries. It is vital though, that we honor our boundaries and what is important to us.

Learning to say no and set boundaries can be hard, but as I’ve learned, when we are able to communicate our needs clearly, we allow ourselves to show up for others in more meaningful ways. Saying no has become a tool for empowerment rather than something to feel guilty about. So, the next time the urge to say yes out of obligation arises, remember that sometimes, the most caring thing we can do for both ourselves and others is simply saying, “no.”