How do we talk to each other?

I mean, sure, we spend hours with our friends chatting about nothing and everything at the same time. We might nod at classmates and acquaintances as we pass them on campus, albeit a little awkwardly. Sometimes we find ourselves in group chats for group projects, trying to sound confident but not too excited. But how do we really communicate with one another?

In my experience, it takes a little more effort to ensure the words I’m coming up with are more than just effective — I want to communicate my message, but I also want to do so in a healthy way while making sure the other person feels respected and validated. We’ll consider what that really means. But first, let’s make sure we all understand what communication is and why it is so important.

What is communication and why is it important?

While it might sound cliché, communication really is the key. We often discuss it as a concept, deeming it an essential part of healthy relationships, but not often do we get into the actual ways to use it. Merriam-Webster defines communication as “the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behavior to express… thoughts, feelings, etc., to another person.” In order for there to be healthy communication, all parties involved have to feel heard and understood.

“Communication and relationship quality go hand in hand. When one improves, the other usually does too,” Roxanna Francies, Assistant Clinical Director at ASU Counseling Services, said. “Like any skill, communication develops with awareness, practice and feedback.”

Francies also suggested a way that students can further improve their communication skills, noting that “students come to ASU to become experts in something. You take classes in very specific, often niche areas, and you practice those skills over time. But most students rarely pick up a book on communication or take a class on relationships—even though relationships are some of the most important and often complicated parts of life. Learning about relationships, practicing communication, or joining a group like Healthy Relationships at ASU Counseling Services helps fill a gap most of us were never formally taught."

Ways to embody healthy communication

No matter the situation, everyone has one thing in common: the need for clear, respectful communication. Here are a few things to keep in mind when interacting with your loved ones, acquaintances, and professional contacts.

1. Message: You want to make sure that your message is being communicated effectively by being clear and concise.
2. Body language and nonverbal cues: It might be difficult sometimes, but ensure that you aren’t giving nonverbal signs that you don’t want to talk — refrain from crossing your arms, for example. Pay attention to the other person’s body language, too. Facial expressions and gestures can be good cues to how they’re feeling in the moment.
3. Listening skills: Active listening is actually just as crucial as clear communication; it helps keep a conversation respectful and validating for everyone involved.
4. Tone and delivery: What you say is important. So is how you say it. Choose your words carefully to make sure you don’t escalate the conversation, and keep your tone as even as possible. We want to stay non-confrontational.
5. Timeliness: Sometimes it’s helpful to wait a short while to let your emotions settle down surrounding a conflict. However, if there’s an issue, don’t wait too long to talk about it or tensions might only get higher.

Starting the conversation

It can be daunting to start a potentially difficult conversation. We might not know what to say, especially if we’re worried about how the other person will respond to our concerns. In these instances, it’s most important that we feel secure and comfortable before we even begin the conversation.

Let’s start with how we prepare ourselves. It’s critical that we know what we hope to achieve from any interaction — is there a problem that needs to be addressed, or do we just want to be heard? Take a moment before the conversation to center yourself and figure out what your goals are. If it’ll help you feel prepared, there’s no shame in writing down what you intend to say!

Once you’re emotionally ready to start the conversation, make sure the other person is too. A simple question like, “Hey, do you have a few minutes to talk?” can be helpful. It isn’t always a good time to talk, especially if the other person is in a rush or already upset. When we wait until everyone is feeling calm and emotionally regulated, we set ourselves up for a healthier interaction. 

Another good tip is to keep your words focused on yourself and how you’re feeling rather than on the other person. Using “I feel” statements can help get your point across without making anyone else feel uncomfortable or defensive. 

For example, if your roommate constantly leaves dirty dishes in the sink, you could say, “I feel frustrated when I come home to dishes in the sink because it leaves less space for me to do my dishes after I cook.” Once the other person understands the main issue, you can follow up with a question like “Would you be willing to wash your dishes in the evening instead of waiting until the next morning? This would really help me feel more comfortable in the kitchen.” By clearly explaining a situation and how we feel about it, we allow the other person to share their own feelings too. This way, everyone can work together to determine the best way to move forward.

Always remember that you can only control your own reactions to situations. Not every conversation will go the way you want it to, and that’s normal. Communicating in a healthy, open-minded fashion increases the chances of an open-minded response, but it’s crucial to accept that we only have control over ourselves. We may do our best, but the rest is not up to us.

The art of active listening

Communication doesn’t just involve talking to people — in fact, one of the most important facets of healthy communication is listening. No conversation is one-sided, and it’s of great concern to make sure the people around us feel heard.

In her blog post “Mastering the Basics of Communication,” Harvard professor Marjorie North describes how most people only remember half of what they hear, even if they think they’re listening carefully. Personally, I know sometimes I try so hard to make sure the other person knows I’m listening that I end up nodding enthusiastically and missing the point entirely. Along with their words, it's also useful to pay attention to people’s nonverbal cues. If they appear tense or restless, they might be a little anxious; if their eyes appear glazed over, they might be checked out of the conversation. Paying attention to the little things makes it a little easier to understand how others are feeling.

Active listening also plays a significant role in how we respond. If someone is being vulnerable with us, the goal is rarely to solve all their problems in ten seconds with a carefully-worded reply. Most people just need someone to listen to and empathize with them. Be patient and try not to judge how anyone is feeling — we want to remain trustworthy and respectful at all times. 

When someone is done speaking, it’s helpful to ask an open-ended question, like “How did you feel when they said that?” Additionally, you can reflect feelings by reiterating what you’ve heard or noticed from them. You might say something like “I’m hearing that you’re irritated with this behavior” or “It seems like you’re pretty upset with this situation.” This gives you and the other person the chance to make sure you’re on the same page about what’s going on.

It's crucial to let people speak without interrupting. I personally wouldn't appreciate it if someone spoke over me to tell me I sounded upset or to immediately fix my issues. I’d rather they understand how I’m feeling before they provide feedback. Besides, if we start preparing a reply before someone’s even done speaking, how do we make sure we listen to the rest of what they’re saying?

Healthy digital communication

In today’s world, maintaining healthy digital communication is practically as important as healthy in-person communication. The guidelines are pretty much the same as in person; it can be harder to convey and understand tone.

For one, you can’t see the person you’re talking to unless it’s a video call. This means that it’s more difficult to tell what someone’s facial expressions might say about how they’re feeling. If you’re messaging the person, you can’t even hear their voice. Sometimes it’s hard to read tone just through words. 

When it’s more difficult to read someone else’s tone, it’s also more difficult to get your own message across clearly. Online, you have to be more careful about the words you’re choosing to make sure they aren’t misconstrued or misinterpreted.

Obviously, most of us text all the time. We love catching up with friends and family, and it’s so much more convenient to just send a message or give them a quick call rather than travel to see them every time we want to talk. And there’s no problem with this whatsoever! Our digital world is a beautiful thing — it’s just worth considering which conversations are suited for the phone and which conversations might be more productive in person.

Let’s go through a quick example. In this situation, Avery and Charlie are having a conversation in person. See if you can notice some signs of healthy communication.

Avery: Hey, are you in a good headspace right now? Something’s been bothering me lately, and I’d really like to talk to you about it.

Charlie: Sure! What’s going on?

Avery: Thanks. I’m just upset with my roommate. They keep taking my food without telling me and when I ask them about it, they lie to my face.

Charlie: That sounds difficult. Do you want to tell me more about what happened?

Avery: Yeah. It really would be fine if it was just every now and then, you know? I’m happy to share, but it’s literally all the time now.

Charlie: That makes sense. You sound pretty upset about this.

Avery: I am. We ended up having an argument about it, and now it’s really awkward to live with them.

Charlie: I understand that. I’m proud of you for talking to them about it. Is there anything I can do to support you?

Avery: Honestly, just this. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate you.

There we go! Did you notice the ways in which Charlie practices active listening by asking open-ended questions and reflecting Avery’s feelings back to them? How about the way Avery asks if Charlie’s emotionally ready to listen in the first place? All of these tips are so valuable in real life. 

It takes practice!

Like most skills, communication is a learning process. Nobody is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect so from them or ourselves. What really matters is having respect for the people around us, making sure everyone feels comfortable (ourselves included), and doing our best to improve the ways we communicate. As long as we prioritize healthy communication, with constant learning and growing, we’re on the right track!

Healthy communication starts with you. You matter, and there are always resources available at ASU to support you. 

ASU Resources 

• Visit ASU Counseling Services to learn more about counseling and crisis support on campus. ASU Counseling Services also hosts support groups, including a Healthy Relationships group, weekly.
• Open Call and Open Chat is available 24/7, 365 days a year, for Sun Devils anywhere in the world.
• ASU Victim-Survivor Services offer free advocacy and support for students and employees affected by sexual assault, relationship violence, stalking, sexual harassment and other related experiences.

Be safe, and take care of yourself!

Anuradha Anant, Sophomore

Psychology, BS and Gender, Women, & Sexuality Studies, BA

ASU Sexual and Relationship Violence Prevention Program Aide